The month of October has thrown me just about every curve ball imaginable, and it's only 10 days in. If the rest of the month doesn't improve, I'm not so sure I can make it. I suppose it's natural for every college-aged human being to be extra stressed around midterms time, but I feel like life is handing it to me full force.
I'm still not making friends. I don't know if I got sprayed with human repellent at birth, or if I smell weird, or if I'm ugly, but people don't acknowledge me. I go through my classes without social interaction. People have their friends and I'm just not included in that. Don't get me wrong, I have made a FEW friends, but they aren't in my classes. And it is SO hard to step foot in a classroom and feel like you're in complete isolation, yet surrounded by people who aren't. I would bet money that 90% don't even know my name. Or that I exist. In a world like UT, it's hard.
I'm still hating my major. Well, technically my major got changed, but I'm still taking the same classes for the old one. My test scores are much improved, but I feel like I'm still wasting time. I have no desire to complete the tasks that I'm given. I'm only doing things to get the grade, rather than soak up the information.
The cherry on top of my entire sundae though, is my roommate. I should've listened to everyone when they said, "You'll regret rooming with your best friend." and "Every little thing she does will start to bother you." No freaking joke. There are major issues in that department, but I'm not going to go into detail. The part about the issues that bothers me, is it's ALL my fault. Apparently I'm just so hard to live with and I make peoples' lives miserable. Who knew that good intentions could turn out oh so badly? I know how to own up to my actions and admit my wrongdoings, but I also know that everything is not my fault. And that you can't accomplish anything if you aren't open with each other. There are so many issues at hand, and my stick is only going to get shorter when she moves out. Yes, it's one of those stories where one of the roomies packs her bags. I'm slightly bitter about it because I didn't have to live where I am now. I could have lived with honors kids in the living and learning community, but I didn't because a certain someone wanted to room with me. So I kept MY end of the bargain, but it doesn't matter to the other party. They can do them and not thing a single thing about the repercussions on someone who was their supposed best friend. The moral of that story is, 'You live and you learn' but I hate that I'm having to learn this way.
I'm so so so discouraged and at the point of giving up moreso than I've ever been. Emotional breakdowns are a frequent for me, and I feel so alone. I know that it won't be like this forever, and that everything will straighten itself out, but right now I feel like nothing is in my favor. All of my sticks are short, and pretty soon they'll be non-existent. I'm ready for things to look up. I wish I had a good solution for the college life I'm trying to live, but I don't.
I think I'm done venting, but sometimes it helps to get thoughts out in a way other than texts or tears.
xoxo, Liv
