(im)perfect imperfections

Perfect imperfections. Such a painful oxymoron. A beautiful lie. (Which is also an oxymoron)

How do you learn to love yourself when all you've ever known is hate? 

Not the "I want to kill myself" or "I wish I never existed" kind of hate, but the "I really wish I looked _______" type of hate. 

Self confidence is something that's built over time. 

Rome wasn't built in a day. I think that's supposed to be encouraging. It's supposed to be a reminder that beauty takes time. 

It's supposed to reassure me that in time I'll see my beauty. Maybe even love myself. 

Right now that seems crazy.

My stomach jiggles. 

My thighs slightly resemble cottage cheese.

I am lined with tiger stripes to constantly remind me that I have never been in control of my weight.

My face breaks out.

My smile is kind of crooked.

I don't have anything that is "firm" or "hot" or "sexy". 

Why should I want to be those things? 

I should love me for me. I should love all of my "perfect imperfections."

Yet I don't. 

I guess there are things that are "beautiful" about me. 

But I don't see them.

I am blinded by what I'm not. 

I am blinded by the fact I have never taken someone's breath away to the point where they want to say "God damn. The new girl." 

Or "*insert beautiful defining feature here* Olivia"

Or "Petite man...very petite."

Things I long to be. 

Feel. 

I want to be the reason someone does a double take. 

I don't want to be looked at like a piece of meat. Because I'm not. 

I just want to be wanted. 

I thought I was. 

But now that's gone. 

All of my self confidence destroyed with a few clicks of some little fingers. 

My Rome wasn't built in a day, but it sure was destroyed in one. 

My heart is so big. And that, by far, is my biggest downfall. 

xoxo, Liv

#YesAllWomen

I'm going to take a quick second to hop on a bandwagon. Normally I'm not one to do this...bandwagons aren't my thing. However, as the unlabeled feminist/women's studies extraordinaire that I am, this is one that I must hop on to and never look back. #YesAllWomen

Everyone is probably so tired of seeing this dang hashtag everywhere. And, I'll admit, it is a bit obnoxious. Buuuuut it gets the point across. People hashtag dumb stuff (which I am also guilty of) such as #whitegirlprobs, #tbt, #selfie, #wcw, #mcm, etc., etc.... And though people may get tired of seeing them, they don't really cause much controversy. They're accepted by the general Twitter/Instagram public, and chances are that all of you have used these meaningless hashtags at one point or another, and will probably use them again. So why in the world is everyone attacking #YesAllWomen?

#YesAllWomen has meaning. It has depth. It is a real life issue, and it needs to be faced right away. I honestly believe that people are afraid of this hashtag. If enough people see it as an issue, that means there is an issue. And believe me; there is. But people don't want to admit that. And so-called "feminists" are one of the main people who oppose this hashtag because women should be treated the same as men! Right? Well...kinda. This is true to a point. But there is no need to be ignorant about it as many people are. The hashtag actually supports the fact that men and women are equals (on a certain level) and should be treated fairly. I really just want people to see that a problem exists, and our society needs men, women, whites, blacks, latinos, and everyone alike to step up and be respectable individuals.

Here are some of the reasons that I support #YesAllWomen:

#YesAllWomen because I shouldn't have to be reminded that I'm vulnerable walking the strip in Knoxville without pepper spray.

#YesAllWomen because I shouldn't have to be afraid to pump my own gas at night.

#YesAllWomen because parking garages should NOT be a threat to me.

#YesAllWomen because I should be able to wear what I want and not worry about looking like a "slut" or a "whore."

#YesAllWomen because words like "slut" and "whore" exist....

#YesAllWomen because a Twitter such as Collegefession exists where girls are praised for their breasts and rear-ends; two parts of a body which should not be objectified in such a way.

#YesAllWomen because guys are praised for how many girls they've slept with, yet girls are looked down upon for the same numbers.

I could honestly go on, and on, and on about this hashtag and the way I feel. Women and men should NOT be objectified by either sex. We are living, breathing, human beings are everyone deserves the exact same respect. This is why I also support the hashtag #NotAllMen. I honestly believe that not all men do these things. There are so many amazing men out there who would never dream of doing any of the previously mentioned things. I applaud those men, and I hope and pray that they will rub off on more of society.

I am a women, and I believe that I should be able to interact with men however I please. I don't want to feel threatened, and I want to be surrounded by men that fall under the #NotAllMen category. And that is why I believe that #YesAllWomen is truly important.

xoxo, Liv

change

It's been a while. A long while. Sometimes life takes over and you don't even have time to breathe. The last little chunk of my life has been one of those times, but here I am once again. For some reason I always come back to this blog—some reason I am completely unaware of at the moment. However, I can only hope that that reason will be revealed to me. Until then, I'm just gonna keep on writing.

My freshman year of college is over. O V E R. What in the world. I feel like graduation was an hour ago and my first day of high school was a yesterday. How am I already 1/4 of the way done with my undergrad at UTK? It absolutely baffles me, but it's beautiful. Watching myself grow as a person is just incredible to me. I am not the same little girl who was a Blue Raider for 4 years of her life, though I WILL be a Blue Raider for the rest of my life. College just..changes you.

Now, I'm aware of the subjectivity that surrounds the word 'change.' Sure, maybe I've gained 25 pounds and have a few more novels under my belt, but I promise that I'm so different. I have a totally different outlook on life. I have never been 'closed minded' exactly...but I've never been one to speak up about my beliefs. I was raised in the Catholic church, and I never really questioned my faith whatsoever. Now, I question everything. I love everyone—black, white, gay, straight, bisexual...everyone. And I'm not afraid to stick up for people who are singled out, because I firmly believe that everyone deserves the exact same respect. If you are living, breathing, have flesh, whatever...you deserve the EXACT same respect that I do. Not only that, but my religion has grown as well. I don't really agree with the Catholic beliefs that I was raised under. I still affiliate myself with the Christian faith, but I have beliefs that people are often times afraid of. At least I think they're afraid, because I can't think of any reason that people would tell me I'm wrong as much as they do. I respect ALL faiths. I think my God, your God, other gods/goddesses/higher beings are more focused on what we do not what we say. And I think that if you're living your life in such a way that betters you and those around you, then you're doing exactly what you're meant to do. Never again will I ever discourage someone out of their beliefs, because I know they're what truly form a person.

I think the biggest change that has come upon me while at UTK is that I now know what I'm meant to do. I'm meant to make an impact. Wow, yeah, I know that's vague! But, it's true. To be more specific, I'm meant to teach. I know that. Knowledge is the gateway to everything. It is the most powerful tool you will ever possess. With knowledge, you can do anything. I've thought that college teaching is the place for me, but that poses a special challenge. How do you impact those that are on a similar intellectual level? Those that are not very...receptive? It's tricky. But I think that's where I'm meant to be. And if not, then I'm sure I'll find my place! My English literature major paired with my Women's Studies/Religious Studies double minor should be the perfect route for me to encourage others to develop their own beliefs and act upon those. But, most importantly, I want to teach them to not be ashamed of what they believe! It is no less worthy than the Jew, Muslim, Christian, Atheist, or any other person down the street.

The word that sums up my change is 'accepting.' I'm accepting in ways I've never thought possible. I've seen more different people in a semester than some people will encounter throughout all of their life. I've become more comfortable in my own self and my own beliefs, and I know I'm going to change the world some day. If I can impact just one individual I'll have done my duty. Hopefully one day everyone will love each other as I do.

I hope that 'change' has more of a meaning now than ever before. I'm proud of the person I've become, and I hope that I can make others proud as well.

xoxo, Liv

self in the raw

I wrote this really awesome, deep poem for my honors english class. I thought I would share.

Who are you when nobody is around?

Who am I without the influence of you? Or you? Or you?

Self can easily be defined as a social construct if that is what you make of it.

However, nobody can really define how you define who you are.

That’s a big problem these days—everyone thinks they can control you. Use their hands to mold you into something you’re not.

The even bigger problem is that you let them.

“But don’t your friends and family define you?” Undeniably so.

But so does a multitude of other things.

The flower soaking up the sun reminds me that I am a vessel.

A vessel for beauty, warmth, and simplicity.

A vessel to help others—a flower can pollinate many other flowers; I can pollinate my world.

The wind defines my power.

How can something so silent be so big?

It reminds me that silence is golden—I can move more mountains with my actions than with my outward appearance.

The sunset.

So much beauty to span as far as the eye can see.

A blend of different colors; red, orange, hot pink.

The sunset is kind of a blanket of imperfections. It is never concrete. Always changing—no 2 sunsets are the same.

However, everyone notices its beauty, and nobody labels it as imperfect.

I am beautiful blanket of imperfections as well.

The words of others.

Though not my own, I can shape them.

I can mold them into what I need to hear.

No two people can interpret something the exact same way.

Words are a beautiful thing and are easily taken for granted.

Much like myself.

My thoughts in this natural, empty place define me more than anything.

Though absent of people, this place is booming with life.

Who do you want to be when nobody is around? There is nobody to impress. Nobody to live up to.

I want to be aware.

Aware of my potential.

Aware of my beauty.

Aware of my potential impact on the world.

Inspiration often comes to those who wait in a quiet place.

You may define yourself by the presence of others.

That may be your self.

My self, however, is quite the contrary.

All of the abstract.

The subjective.

The intangible.

The colors, shapes, forms of art.

Those are what make me my self.

My self in the raw.

I have never been so impressed with a piece of my poetry before. Sometimes classes really do teach you things about your self that you never realized. :)

xoxo, Liv

have a coke

I'm sure you have all seen the Super Bowl Coca-Cola commercial that aired this past Sunday. Chances are, the commercial might be the only thing you remember considering the game was nothing to write home about. If you haven't seen the commercial, please go watch it. It's beautiful. Here is the link: 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=443Vy3I0gJs&list=PLCIVZWq1FAwcWJmgdF5o3-QTZZ-OnBUgA&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D443Vy3I0gJs%26list%3DPLCIVZWq1FAwcWJmgdF5o3-QTZZ-OnBUgA

This commercial has caused SO much controversy here in the U.S.... But why? Haven't we left the days of racism and close minded-ness in the dust? Weren't those mindsets buried in the graves of America's long-gone slave owners? I suppose not. 

People have said cruel, cruel things. Not only have the things been cruel, but they have been ignorant as well. "We speak English here in America," "The National Anthem is supposed to be in English," "Your going to lose our business," (yes I used the wrong form of "you're" for emphasis).. These, along with many other vulgar comments, were posted all over Coca-Cola's Facebook page and clouded all of our Twitter feeds. 

I have so, so many issues with everything that was said. Coca-Cola did NOT use the National Anthem in their commercial. English is NOT the only language spoken in America. And if people think they can go longer than a week without a Coke, they're probably wrong. Personally, I think all of these people speaking out against Coca-Cola for their commercial are tainting America's image that has been built up since before any of us were put on this Earth. 

I loved the commercial, and here's why: 

I love diversity. I thrive off of the integration of different cultures that surrounds me each and everyday. I recognize that the world, even the country, we live in is more diverse than it has EVER been, and that is a beautiful thing. I am a firm believer that in order to understand your own culture you must also understand cultures around you. America is a country of opportunity. That is something we, as citizens, should be proud of. Seeing people of all shapes, sizes, nationalities, classes, etc. come together should give us all the tinglies inside. We should look at this like a proud mom looks at her 4th grader for winning a spelling bee. America is incredible. And this we owe a great deal to diversity. 

So, I applaud Coca-Cola. I got chill bumps when I saw the commercial, and I do not even hesitate to say it was my favorite commercial of the night, even beating out the adorable little puppy in the Budweiser commercial. 

I advise everyone to take a deep breath, look at the world around you, and have a Coke. It'll do us all some good. 

xoxo, Liv

life plan

Blogging everyday is hard. H-A-R-D..Hard. Even blogging once a week...Or once a month if you're me (oops). However, I could say I'm attempting to blog more, BUT, that never works out for me. So I'm just going to continue doing what I feel like doing and maybe, just maybe, something beneficial will come out of it.

I'm already almost a month into the semester and it has been an absolute blur. I've taken on the extreme task of 18 hours *gasp*and can feel it slowly but surely killing me. But, I have a plan. I HAVE A PLAN YOU GUYS. I haven't been very certain about my plan the entire time I've been here, but now I've got something down. I've got life goals and aspirations and a major that will hopefully get me going on the right path towards that. Much like writing down goals or whatevs in hopes that you'll be more inspired to keep them, putting my plan into writing feels incredible.

My official major is English with a concentration in Literature. I'm highly considering adding a Religious Studies minor to that, but I don't have to narrow that down quite yet. After I graduate with my Bachelors (which I hope to do in 3 years AND I'm on the right track to do that, might I add) I'm going to continue and work towards my Masters. Hopefully I'll be done with that in 5 years *fingers crossed*. I then want to continue on to graduate school and further my education. I've always thought I would sound nice with a "Dr." as my title.

Anyways, those are just the logistics of everything. What I really want to accomplish is something that will make a difference. After either graduating with my Masters or my Doctorate (haven't gotten this far yet....) I want to teach in a different area. Preferably an area where they're lacking in educational resources. Whether I'm going to be led to a different country or an impoverished area in the United States, I'm not sure. But I want to spend a couple of years impacting people and encouraging them that they CAN become something. They should never feel inadequate to those that have more money or more resources than they do. Nothing...I repeat NOTHING....makes them lesser than anyone else, and sometimes they just need a solid influence in their life to make them actually believe that. I will be that person. After finishing my time there I want to continue on and teach english at a collegiate level. I would really love to teach a special class on Middle Eastern literature or something of the sort, because that's where my interest really lies.

So far I feel like this is really what I'm called to do. I know as well as anybody else that plans have a funny way of changing themselves around, but right now I'm really in love with the life plan I have for myself. And I know that the stresses of my classes right now will pay off. I also know that I am blessed beyond belief to have the opportunity to study at a University, and, beyond that, I have the opportunity to spend everyday studying something that I absolutely love. School isn't so bad when you like what you're doing.

Best wishes.
xoxo, Liv