october woes

The month of October has thrown me just about every curve ball imaginable, and it's only 10 days in. If the rest of the month doesn't improve, I'm not so sure I can make it. I suppose it's natural for every college-aged human being to be extra stressed around midterms time, but I feel like life is handing it to me full force.

I'm still not making friends. I don't know if I got sprayed with human repellent at birth, or if I smell weird, or if I'm ugly, but people don't acknowledge me. I go through my classes without social interaction. People have their friends and I'm just not included in that. Don't get me wrong, I have made a FEW friends, but they aren't in my classes. And it is SO hard to step foot in a classroom and feel like you're in complete isolation, yet surrounded by people who aren't. I would bet money that 90% don't even know my name. Or that I exist. In a world like UT, it's hard.

I'm still hating my major. Well, technically my major got changed, but I'm still taking the same classes for the old one. My test scores are much improved, but I feel like I'm still wasting time. I have no desire to complete the tasks that I'm given. I'm only doing things to get the grade, rather than soak up the information.

The cherry on top of my entire sundae though, is my roommate. I should've listened to everyone when they said, "You'll regret rooming with your best friend." and "Every little thing she does will start to bother you." No freaking joke. There are major issues in that department, but I'm not going to go into detail. The part about the issues that bothers me, is it's ALL my fault. Apparently I'm just so hard to live with and I make peoples' lives miserable. Who knew that good intentions could turn out oh so badly? I know how to own up to my actions and admit my wrongdoings, but I also know that everything is not my fault. And that you can't accomplish anything if you aren't open with each other. There are so many issues at hand, and my stick is only going to get shorter when she moves out. Yes, it's one of those stories where one of the roomies packs her bags. I'm slightly bitter about it because I didn't have to live where I am now. I could have lived with honors kids in the living and learning community, but I didn't because a certain someone wanted to room with me. So I kept MY end of the bargain, but it doesn't matter to the other party. They can do them and not thing a single thing about the repercussions on someone who was their supposed best friend. The moral of that story is, 'You live and you learn' but I hate that I'm having to learn this way.

I'm so so so discouraged and at the point of giving up moreso than I've ever been. Emotional breakdowns are a frequent for me, and I feel so alone. I know that it won't be like this forever, and that everything will straighten itself out, but right now I feel like nothing is in my favor. All of my sticks are short, and pretty soon they'll be non-existent. I'm ready for things to look up. I wish I had a good solution for the college life I'm trying to live, but I don't.

I think I'm done venting, but sometimes it helps to get thoughts out in a way other than texts or tears.

xoxo, Liv

social media cleanse

This will be short, but worthy.

Right now my life is so scattered and out of whack. Everywhere I turn I have exams, assignments due, a room to clean, and people to please. Instead of being productive all of the time, I spend a great deal of my time on social media. So, it's time for a social media cleanse.

Yes, I know blogging is kind of social media, but I'm going to stretch it because: 

A) writing is good for the soul, and 

B) nobody reads this thing anyways so it isn't like I'm interacting with people. 

I've never done a cleanse like this before, but I feel like it will benefit me more than any other cleanse I could do. I hope to focus in on studying, classes, and actually utilizing my time, whether it be for sleep or work. I'm going to do this for two weeks to see where I end up. I'm really determined to not give in early, and I think the outcome is going to be a huge help to me and the way I feel about college life in general. 

So, wish me luck, y'all! This is an adventure I'm not so sure I'm ready to tackle. 

xoxo, Liv

passion is greater

College. That one, miniscule word scares the absolute daylights out of me.

It's been months since I've blogged. It's been about a month since I've been in my new world. Something's gotta change though, so I'm going to try to visit this on a more regular basis. It's such a fantastic outlet for thoughts and feelings that have been building upon each other to the point where my insides probably look like the house of a hoarder. We'll say I'm a thought hoarder.

As of today, my major is Nuclear Engineering. As of today, I've also decided that it will not be my major for much longer. Engineering is NOT for me. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that I've wasted a semester in something that's making me so miserable. It isn't because I can't handle it; I'm a smart cookie. But I can't stand it. Doing math everyday is not my thing. 

The people in engineering are not like me. One of my biggest struggles so far has been that I haven't really made many friends. It isn't because I'm an antisocial freak or a wallflower or anything of the sort. I truly believe its because of my major. I just don't click with anything in that department. It's not my calling. It's certainly not what I'm meant to spend the rest of my life doing. 

My conclusion is that I have to change my major. I have a passion for words. I have a passion for great literature. I have a passion for the Middle East. It's a little strange how I had to come about my passion by realizing what WASN'T my passion, but I'm glad I got there. I just took the scenic route. I really want to be an English major. I know that jobs aren't overflowing in that department, especially well paying ones, but it will make me happy. And regardless of the amount of money I have in my bank account, if I'm miserable every day it isn't worth it. I would love to teach at a collegiate or upper high school level. I want to be able to share my passion with people who have the potential to be changed by it. Eventually I would love to follow in the footsteps of one of my great role models and create a curriculum for a special class that emphasizes something I'm super passionate about. I want to teach something along the lines of Middle Eastern studies or middle eastern literature. The Middle East fascinates me so much and I would love to open that realm for people who could potentially share my fascination. 

I've pretty much gone from one end of the job spectrum to the other in less than a month. I feel like maybe I'm insane or confused or insanely confused, but at least I can be happy. I just have to get through this semester of engineering classes. It's really hard for me and I wish there was an easy way out now rather than having to wait, but there's not. Oh well. 

You live and you learn. And if I've learned one thing, it's this: do what YOU want and not what everyone else wants you to do. Go with your gut feeling and embrace your passion. If you don't embrace that passion, then who will? How many people are missing out on the opportunity to learn something great because the person who was passionate about it chose money instead? Or was too afraid that they would never succeed? I'm glad that I came to that realization. Hopefully all the pieces of my jigsaw puzzle of life will fall into place, and everyone else's will too. 

Happy college, y'all! 

xoxo, Liv 

three months

My boyfriend is the sweetest, meanest individual alive.

Why, you may ask? Well, let me tell you... Saturday, the 13th, was mine and Patrick's three months. Patrick usually comes home like...every weekend, and I assumed this weekend was no different. Boy, I was wrong. Sort of. He tricked me into believing that he was going dirt bike riding with his friend and her family instead of coming home. I was PISSED, y'all. Like, beyond mad. It was bad.

I get really mean when I'm angry, whether I mean to or not. I wasn't mean to him in a sense of telling him how awful he was or that I hated him or anything, but I was very careful in my words. The few words I DID say, including my lack of words, probably made him feel worse than I felt. And I really regret that now.

He plotted together with 4 of my closest friends, and my mom, so nobody would make plans with me. My mom told me that her and I were going out to dinner and then shopping after work. I walk in my house and I talk to her and she kept encouraging me to go change my clothes. I walked in my room, and Patrick was sitting there and he said, "Happy three months." I almost pissed myself and said a few choice words. I did not expect him there. He then took me out and we had an amazing night :)

The moral of this story is that Patrick is still the most amazing guy ever. The little things he does for me are incredible. He lied to me and stuck through me being mega-bitch all to see a huge smile on my face. And it was totally worth it. He is absolutely perfect. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend in my life.

I am the luckiest girl alive. :)

xoxo, Liv

sunshine amidst rain

In the midst of a never-ending rain streak, positivity is scarce. I know everyone else in Cle-vegas feels the same. It's so hard to smile and actually want to get out of the house. The rain is just like...hypnotizing. All I want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep. But, sometimes you have to find some sunshine!

My sunshine for this dreary week is my life. I know that sounds kind of weird and conceited or something along those lines, but I really don't mean it like that. I mean it in a sense that I am lucky. Even though my surroundings are dark and gloomy, I have enough blessings to make my life seem like a day on the beach, which is exactly where I wish I was. But, in all reality, I'm so lucky. I have so many great things. I have great friends, a great mother, and a great boyfriend. Not to mention all of the great opportunities that are ahead of me!

I'm not going to ramble on about every single one of those things, but I am going to ramble on about my boyfriend a little bit. Patrick is amazing. I don't get to see him half as much as I would love to, but he makes every second worth the wait. The way we mesh is crazy good. I know that a couple who gets along perfectly 100% of the time doesn't exist, but we're pretty darn close. He just makes me happy. Its so simple, yet so true. He does sweet little things and every single one of them means the world to me! The way he knows me so well is incredible. In the span of a lifetime, I've been with him for a very short amount of time. But, I feel like we've known each other forever. Here's a really cute photo collage of him. Hopefully it'll make you smile half as much as he makes me smile.

Alright, the next thing I'm going to ramble on a little bit about is the opportunities that are ahead of me. Mainly college. I'm stoked for college! Even more so now that I got my AP scores back. Good (surprising) news: I passed all of them! I passed my English one with a 4 which gets me out of both of my Freshman english classes. That makes me one very happy scholar. I'm lucky that I'm blessed with brains and intelligence. College won't be a breeze, but I know I'm up for the challenge! One day, when I'm a Nuclear Engineer doing amazing things, I'll look back on this time on my life and be even more thankful!

I could go on and on, but I'm not going to. Just know that when its dark and dreary, you need to stay positive! It's a hard thing to do, but I promise that every single person has something to light up their world. Just take a second and find it. :)

xoxo, Liv

life of a doormat

Tonight I did something stupid.

It wasn't really something extreme, and it probably doesn't even matter in the huge scheme of life, but I feel worthless.

I'm not even going to really go into detail, but have you ever sent a text message and then just thought, "Why did I send that?"...yeah, I was living that life.

I didn't even have bad intentions..I promise. And I didn't come out of it doing anything bad either, so don't get the wrong idea! I didn't say anything that wasn't true or say anything that was mean, and I wasn't unfaithful by any means! But, I did say what was on my mind. And it probably should have stayed on my mind..

That's the thing about me: most things that are on my mind should stay there..and for good reason! Not because they're mean, but they usually dig a hole. The only thing I wanted to do tonight was make peace. I didn't want to create a friendship. I didn't want someone to think I was crawling back to them. I didn't want to make someone feel worthless. I just wanted peace. I wanted to gain respect from someone that I thought owed me some respect. I guess he doesn't really owe me anything though. And he had no problem telling me that...well, that and other things I didn't really want to hear.

Break-ups are never fun y'all. I really just wanted to have a civil aura between me and a certain person. But, that will apparently never be achieved. Instead, I will continue to be a "doormat" as he called me, and move on with my life. You know why I'll move on? Because I'm happy.

I'm the type of person that hates negativity. If I think that someone thinks poorly of me, I will do what I can to change that, regardless of who the person is. I want people to think good things about me, because I always try hard. I always try to be a good, loving person. If anyone sees anything but that...there's a problem. And there WAS a problem.

Did I fix it? No.

Did I try? Yes.

And that's all that matters. My part is done, and I know that I did what I could to be the caring person that I truly am.

Thankfully I have my sweet boy, Patrick, to lift my spirits and remind me of the person I truly am. Everyone needs someone to bring out the best in them.

xoxo, Liv

college

I haven't blogged in a good while.. I apologize to the like...two people that read this!
If you're interested in the rest of my New Orleans trip: ask me. I'll post something if people care.. But I got so busy that I didn't have time to post then and there!

This post, however, is going to be about my future...my college, future that is.

Ya'll...I'm so excited. And so stinking nervous at the same time. It's easy to be confident and say that everything is going to work beautifully for me and that I'm smart so I'll ace everything and that people will love me...but I could be wrong. I could be very wrong.

What if I flunk?

What if people think I'm weird?

What if I get caught up in the wrong crowd and then I don't even know who I really am anymore?

So many things haunt me. But, I'm ready for change. I'm ready to face the world of Knoxville. Stepping outside the safety net of Cleveland that has been my home for the past 18 years of my life is so invigorating. It's the kind of scary that's needed. Good scary. Everyone needs to see the world, and even though Knoxville is only right down the road, it's still different. People have different views and there's a substantial amount of variety! Variety makes me a happy girl. I can't wait to meet new people and broaden the types of friends that I have around. Hopefully others will feel the way I do! I'm sure I'm not the only one scared of making friends though.

My studies terrify me. Who wouldn't be terrified of nuclear engineering? Frankly, it's a terrifying thing to even say! Hopefully I won't lose my ambition or love of learning. Hopefully I'll continue to thrive in my intelligence, and I'll be successful whereever I end up...whether it be nuclear engineering or somewhere else!

In a nutshell, I'm so ready for college. I'm ready to grow up and see what the world has to offer.

Goodbye, Cleveland.

Hello, Knoxville.

Well...in a month that is. :)

xoxo, Liv