college changes you

Every student who is approaching their college career has heard people say, "college changes you." If you are anything like me, you had no problem saying that you were never going to change. When you're just so sure of yourself, why in the world would you ever allow something like college to change you? Looking back, I was wrong. And if you're saying that now, you're wrong too. You will change. I'm a walking example of the fact that college DOES change even the stubborn-est of individuals.

A couple of days ago, I was freezing my ass off walking around campus in my boyfriend's oversized Brazil quarter-zip. I had leftover curls in my hair and the entire sidewalk I was on was practically deserted. It's times like those when I allow my mind to wander. Sometimes that's bad, but I felt like this time it made sense. I began to play through my life before college and compare it to the first semester of college that I am (almost) done enduring. It was odd.

Before college, I cared. A lot. About myself, about others, about things that didn't need to be cared for. Even though I enjoyed to be lazily dressed and didn't always dress to the nines, I cared about my appearance quite a bit. I cared about what other people thought about me. I cared that my grades were nothing but perfection, and anything less than an A was not satisfactory in my book. I payed a lot of attention to others. I looked at how they were dressed (bad, I know), how they looked (even worse, sorry), and their personalities. I wanted everyone to like me. I needed the approval of everyone around me. In other words, I spent the first 18 years of my life working SO hard to impress and gain approval of people that would vanish from my life in a matter of months.

Now, as the first semester of my college career comes to a close, I'm a totally different Olivia. I feel foreign in my own world, but it's not such a bad thing. I've realized that sometimes it takes (what seems like) your whole world crashing down around you to realize your fatal flaws. Now, I don't care so much about what I wear. I'm a college kid, so I do wear norts/leggings and a t-shirt everyday, but even when I wear "normal clothing" it's comfy and not uber-expensive. I've become familiar with sale racks, thrift shops, and the saying "I don't have the money for that". And, that's okay. I'm okay with that. It's making me appreciate the things I DO have that so many others don't. I've come to realize that having a few good friends is worth more than having everyone in the world love you. I've lost a few friends in messy ways recently, but I couldn't be happier with the amazing individuals I have in my life. They bring me up constantly and keep me laughing. Although grades don't mean everything to me anymore (maybe this is a new flaw?), I'm still determined to keep them where they need to be. Oh, and most importantly, I've learned to follow my heart. That's my favorite lesson of all.

To wrap this up, here is a beautiful picture of my favorite building on UT's campus, Ayres.

Thank you, UT, for making me a different person. It's okay to let college change you.
xoxo, Liv

october woes

The month of October has thrown me just about every curve ball imaginable, and it's only 10 days in. If the rest of the month doesn't improve, I'm not so sure I can make it. I suppose it's natural for every college-aged human being to be extra stressed around midterms time, but I feel like life is handing it to me full force.

I'm still not making friends. I don't know if I got sprayed with human repellent at birth, or if I smell weird, or if I'm ugly, but people don't acknowledge me. I go through my classes without social interaction. People have their friends and I'm just not included in that. Don't get me wrong, I have made a FEW friends, but they aren't in my classes. And it is SO hard to step foot in a classroom and feel like you're in complete isolation, yet surrounded by people who aren't. I would bet money that 90% don't even know my name. Or that I exist. In a world like UT, it's hard.

I'm still hating my major. Well, technically my major got changed, but I'm still taking the same classes for the old one. My test scores are much improved, but I feel like I'm still wasting time. I have no desire to complete the tasks that I'm given. I'm only doing things to get the grade, rather than soak up the information.

The cherry on top of my entire sundae though, is my roommate. I should've listened to everyone when they said, "You'll regret rooming with your best friend." and "Every little thing she does will start to bother you." No freaking joke. There are major issues in that department, but I'm not going to go into detail. The part about the issues that bothers me, is it's ALL my fault. Apparently I'm just so hard to live with and I make peoples' lives miserable. Who knew that good intentions could turn out oh so badly? I know how to own up to my actions and admit my wrongdoings, but I also know that everything is not my fault. And that you can't accomplish anything if you aren't open with each other. There are so many issues at hand, and my stick is only going to get shorter when she moves out. Yes, it's one of those stories where one of the roomies packs her bags. I'm slightly bitter about it because I didn't have to live where I am now. I could have lived with honors kids in the living and learning community, but I didn't because a certain someone wanted to room with me. So I kept MY end of the bargain, but it doesn't matter to the other party. They can do them and not thing a single thing about the repercussions on someone who was their supposed best friend. The moral of that story is, 'You live and you learn' but I hate that I'm having to learn this way.

I'm so so so discouraged and at the point of giving up moreso than I've ever been. Emotional breakdowns are a frequent for me, and I feel so alone. I know that it won't be like this forever, and that everything will straighten itself out, but right now I feel like nothing is in my favor. All of my sticks are short, and pretty soon they'll be non-existent. I'm ready for things to look up. I wish I had a good solution for the college life I'm trying to live, but I don't.

I think I'm done venting, but sometimes it helps to get thoughts out in a way other than texts or tears.

xoxo, Liv

social media cleanse

This will be short, but worthy.

Right now my life is so scattered and out of whack. Everywhere I turn I have exams, assignments due, a room to clean, and people to please. Instead of being productive all of the time, I spend a great deal of my time on social media. So, it's time for a social media cleanse.

Yes, I know blogging is kind of social media, but I'm going to stretch it because: 

A) writing is good for the soul, and 

B) nobody reads this thing anyways so it isn't like I'm interacting with people. 

I've never done a cleanse like this before, but I feel like it will benefit me more than any other cleanse I could do. I hope to focus in on studying, classes, and actually utilizing my time, whether it be for sleep or work. I'm going to do this for two weeks to see where I end up. I'm really determined to not give in early, and I think the outcome is going to be a huge help to me and the way I feel about college life in general. 

So, wish me luck, y'all! This is an adventure I'm not so sure I'm ready to tackle. 

xoxo, Liv

passion is greater

College. That one, miniscule word scares the absolute daylights out of me.

It's been months since I've blogged. It's been about a month since I've been in my new world. Something's gotta change though, so I'm going to try to visit this on a more regular basis. It's such a fantastic outlet for thoughts and feelings that have been building upon each other to the point where my insides probably look like the house of a hoarder. We'll say I'm a thought hoarder.

As of today, my major is Nuclear Engineering. As of today, I've also decided that it will not be my major for much longer. Engineering is NOT for me. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that I've wasted a semester in something that's making me so miserable. It isn't because I can't handle it; I'm a smart cookie. But I can't stand it. Doing math everyday is not my thing. 

The people in engineering are not like me. One of my biggest struggles so far has been that I haven't really made many friends. It isn't because I'm an antisocial freak or a wallflower or anything of the sort. I truly believe its because of my major. I just don't click with anything in that department. It's not my calling. It's certainly not what I'm meant to spend the rest of my life doing. 

My conclusion is that I have to change my major. I have a passion for words. I have a passion for great literature. I have a passion for the Middle East. It's a little strange how I had to come about my passion by realizing what WASN'T my passion, but I'm glad I got there. I just took the scenic route. I really want to be an English major. I know that jobs aren't overflowing in that department, especially well paying ones, but it will make me happy. And regardless of the amount of money I have in my bank account, if I'm miserable every day it isn't worth it. I would love to teach at a collegiate or upper high school level. I want to be able to share my passion with people who have the potential to be changed by it. Eventually I would love to follow in the footsteps of one of my great role models and create a curriculum for a special class that emphasizes something I'm super passionate about. I want to teach something along the lines of Middle Eastern studies or middle eastern literature. The Middle East fascinates me so much and I would love to open that realm for people who could potentially share my fascination. 

I've pretty much gone from one end of the job spectrum to the other in less than a month. I feel like maybe I'm insane or confused or insanely confused, but at least I can be happy. I just have to get through this semester of engineering classes. It's really hard for me and I wish there was an easy way out now rather than having to wait, but there's not. Oh well. 

You live and you learn. And if I've learned one thing, it's this: do what YOU want and not what everyone else wants you to do. Go with your gut feeling and embrace your passion. If you don't embrace that passion, then who will? How many people are missing out on the opportunity to learn something great because the person who was passionate about it chose money instead? Or was too afraid that they would never succeed? I'm glad that I came to that realization. Hopefully all the pieces of my jigsaw puzzle of life will fall into place, and everyone else's will too. 

Happy college, y'all! 

xoxo, Liv 

three months

My boyfriend is the sweetest, meanest individual alive.

Why, you may ask? Well, let me tell you... Saturday, the 13th, was mine and Patrick's three months. Patrick usually comes home like...every weekend, and I assumed this weekend was no different. Boy, I was wrong. Sort of. He tricked me into believing that he was going dirt bike riding with his friend and her family instead of coming home. I was PISSED, y'all. Like, beyond mad. It was bad.

I get really mean when I'm angry, whether I mean to or not. I wasn't mean to him in a sense of telling him how awful he was or that I hated him or anything, but I was very careful in my words. The few words I DID say, including my lack of words, probably made him feel worse than I felt. And I really regret that now.

He plotted together with 4 of my closest friends, and my mom, so nobody would make plans with me. My mom told me that her and I were going out to dinner and then shopping after work. I walk in my house and I talk to her and she kept encouraging me to go change my clothes. I walked in my room, and Patrick was sitting there and he said, "Happy three months." I almost pissed myself and said a few choice words. I did not expect him there. He then took me out and we had an amazing night :)

The moral of this story is that Patrick is still the most amazing guy ever. The little things he does for me are incredible. He lied to me and stuck through me being mega-bitch all to see a huge smile on my face. And it was totally worth it. He is absolutely perfect. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend in my life.

I am the luckiest girl alive. :)

xoxo, Liv

sunshine amidst rain

In the midst of a never-ending rain streak, positivity is scarce. I know everyone else in Cle-vegas feels the same. It's so hard to smile and actually want to get out of the house. The rain is just like...hypnotizing. All I want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep. But, sometimes you have to find some sunshine!

My sunshine for this dreary week is my life. I know that sounds kind of weird and conceited or something along those lines, but I really don't mean it like that. I mean it in a sense that I am lucky. Even though my surroundings are dark and gloomy, I have enough blessings to make my life seem like a day on the beach, which is exactly where I wish I was. But, in all reality, I'm so lucky. I have so many great things. I have great friends, a great mother, and a great boyfriend. Not to mention all of the great opportunities that are ahead of me!

I'm not going to ramble on about every single one of those things, but I am going to ramble on about my boyfriend a little bit. Patrick is amazing. I don't get to see him half as much as I would love to, but he makes every second worth the wait. The way we mesh is crazy good. I know that a couple who gets along perfectly 100% of the time doesn't exist, but we're pretty darn close. He just makes me happy. Its so simple, yet so true. He does sweet little things and every single one of them means the world to me! The way he knows me so well is incredible. In the span of a lifetime, I've been with him for a very short amount of time. But, I feel like we've known each other forever. Here's a really cute photo collage of him. Hopefully it'll make you smile half as much as he makes me smile.

Alright, the next thing I'm going to ramble on a little bit about is the opportunities that are ahead of me. Mainly college. I'm stoked for college! Even more so now that I got my AP scores back. Good (surprising) news: I passed all of them! I passed my English one with a 4 which gets me out of both of my Freshman english classes. That makes me one very happy scholar. I'm lucky that I'm blessed with brains and intelligence. College won't be a breeze, but I know I'm up for the challenge! One day, when I'm a Nuclear Engineer doing amazing things, I'll look back on this time on my life and be even more thankful!

I could go on and on, but I'm not going to. Just know that when its dark and dreary, you need to stay positive! It's a hard thing to do, but I promise that every single person has something to light up their world. Just take a second and find it. :)

xoxo, Liv

life of a doormat

Tonight I did something stupid.

It wasn't really something extreme, and it probably doesn't even matter in the huge scheme of life, but I feel worthless.

I'm not even going to really go into detail, but have you ever sent a text message and then just thought, "Why did I send that?"...yeah, I was living that life.

I didn't even have bad intentions..I promise. And I didn't come out of it doing anything bad either, so don't get the wrong idea! I didn't say anything that wasn't true or say anything that was mean, and I wasn't unfaithful by any means! But, I did say what was on my mind. And it probably should have stayed on my mind..

That's the thing about me: most things that are on my mind should stay there..and for good reason! Not because they're mean, but they usually dig a hole. The only thing I wanted to do tonight was make peace. I didn't want to create a friendship. I didn't want someone to think I was crawling back to them. I didn't want to make someone feel worthless. I just wanted peace. I wanted to gain respect from someone that I thought owed me some respect. I guess he doesn't really owe me anything though. And he had no problem telling me that...well, that and other things I didn't really want to hear.

Break-ups are never fun y'all. I really just wanted to have a civil aura between me and a certain person. But, that will apparently never be achieved. Instead, I will continue to be a "doormat" as he called me, and move on with my life. You know why I'll move on? Because I'm happy.

I'm the type of person that hates negativity. If I think that someone thinks poorly of me, I will do what I can to change that, regardless of who the person is. I want people to think good things about me, because I always try hard. I always try to be a good, loving person. If anyone sees anything but that...there's a problem. And there WAS a problem.

Did I fix it? No.

Did I try? Yes.

And that's all that matters. My part is done, and I know that I did what I could to be the caring person that I truly am.

Thankfully I have my sweet boy, Patrick, to lift my spirits and remind me of the person I truly am. Everyone needs someone to bring out the best in them.

xoxo, Liv